Today was a complete waste. The frustration of job spilled into my regular schedule and I ended up wasting my whole day without doing anything productive. I am tired of living a life of variables. It gives me a headache. All I want is one job where I could work with people of great caliber and great learning. The present job is not at all satisfying.
Nowadays, I spent a substantial time of the day in solitude. Though most of my life I have spent talking to myself. But this time around, it is more fun and insightful. I studied my own behavior in last few days. From my observations, I firmly inferred, our desire of fulfilling certain goal is a direct function of our estimation of the probability of success in achieving that goal.
Sometimes, I strongly wish if someone could douse this "restless behavior syndrome" in me. The desire to become a superman, the urge to do everything, the quest to become a master of all. Though I am quite aware of my priority activities but even that is longer. I wish to read books, newspaper/write blogs /run and exercise /watch youtube inspirational videos but all these things are not possible every day. That too when I have a regular 9 hours job.
Every once in a while when I have such experiences, I feel how fragile I am. I have full knowledge of philosophical constructs of happiness and chilled out life. But I am yet to achieve that inner calmness. The peace of mind does not exist within me. Though with the current and past experience I can claim that I am inching closer.
One of the problems lies in my obsession with being productive. Earlier I wanted to be productive every day. I wanted to utilize every single second of my schedule in a useful manner. Over time, I learned to let go of things and loose a little bit. But traces of the trait remains. I can let go of a day but how can I let go of a week or month. Again the trigger is if I am unproductive for a week then how will I pass a certain exam or achieve a certain goal. Well, the spiritual literature explains that let go of this desire to achieve things. And precisely here the conflict occurs. If I do not dream then how can I really achieve anything? If I am not rationing my day or week in terms of productivity then do I deserve to achieve my dream. How could I have written this blog If I had not desired to learn English?
The Indian religious literature is somewhat pessimistic in this regard. It teaches the person to abstain from desire. So from where should I draw my motivation to perform the task? I understand one aspect of it which may mean that person should set goals but should not at all be flustered with the outcome. But is not the goal and desire conjoined twins? Both are interconnected. And What confuses me more is when our spiritual literature says that humans are merely actors who are playing a fixed script which is being directed by the director. That's where the whole concept of karma and bhagya gets mixed up.
So by this concept, if I were to achieve peace of mind then I should internalize this fatalistic attitude without holding any desires. I should forget about productivity and passion. This way I would be free, independent and relaxed but can I make it big this way? Would I be able to rise the ladder with this attitude? I have seen people who espouse such attitude. This is not a very impressive path.
I think the answer lies in can money or fame or position buy you happiness? If yes then pursue that path and take this frustration as a daily struggle in achieving that goal. Develop some indifference to this frustration and learn that not every day will be same and some days are ought to be worse in comparison. And if Happiness is the goal and leave everything to that script and the director and live free.
Anyway: I found this blog to be really helpful in building my piece of mind.
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/40-ways-to-create-peace-of-mind/
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