This post was due for long time. Last few days brought a new kind of experience. Once again a "no match" search on civil services results file. It was heartbreaking but you can not do any thing about it except thinking what else could I have done to be in the list? Many thoughts criss-crossed my mind. I thought of compiling them but somehow inertia of writing my thoughts kept me at bay or may be I did not want to make them public. Today, My friend asked me to read his article on Medium.com. This inspired me to begin my quest of writing once again. I sorted through my previously unpublished blog where I had listed "Things I wanted to do for rest of my life". I re-read that article. It felt good. So I decided to make it public and follow it in my routine.
Last 3 months were exhilarating. Many things happened. Civil Service Interview, Train journey to Bangalore, Psychology papers, Amritsar trip with friends to Bangalore, Vaishno Devi trip with parents, Sister's engagement, Entrepreneurial experience in Bangalore with friends, developing a product from scratch and working daily 13-14 hours to meet a deadline, rebuilding the confidence that I can make a dent in technology field as well, Civil Services result, and encouraging messages from my friends from Facebook. Especially message, wall posts from friends, and calls from well-wisher telling me what difference I have made to their lives was amazing. It felt really good. I remember 6-7 years back I was having dinner at a pot-luck party with my friends and some body asked me What will make me feel truly happy? I contemplated real hard and eventually answer came that If somebody come and tell me that I have made a difference in their life for better then I would be on cloud nine. The purpose of preparing for Civil Services exam was to reach to a platform where I can make a real difference to people's lives. It provides widest and amazing platform to serve common man. Though I could not achieve my dream but I feel great about my effort and encouraging messages I received from my friends on Facebook and phone. Probably first time in five years (except my sister's marriage) tears came in my eyes reading those messages.
I wonder how a split seconds mistake can change the direction of life. I always believed Interview was my forte. I had flawless mock interview sessions so a sense of feel-good factor was there. I scored 140 (highest score) out of 200 in the state level interview. Earlier I had scored 210/300 at national level. However, This time script had a Shakespearean climax. Interview on that fateful day was not up to the mark. My final score was 727 in written exam and 138/275 in Interview. By any stretch of imagination, The score could not have been worse. So score of 138 this time was indigestible. I contemplated hard on various mistakes I made in the interview. With the advantage of hindsight, I could spot couple of mistakes I made.
Mistake 1:
One of the board member asked me about problems which are plaguing state pollution control board. Somehow, very unnatural of me, I spitted that "Many of these boards have become retirement parks." The person sitting on the other side table was a retired IIT professor, parked in UPSC. And to add to my misfortune, He was the chairman of board who possess the sole discretion of awarding final marks. I could see his face color changing instantaneously. But damage had been done. So uncharacteristic of me, I thought.
Mistake 2:
One member asked me whether excessive criticism of Freud is justified or not. I replied saying, "Sir I can not comment whether the criticism was unjustified or not but his thoughts received lot of negative publicity due to excessive focus on sex and unconsciousness". And to add to my misfortune, The use of word sex was so explicit and I found myself looking into eyes of chair man while saying this. A RSS hardcore. Again it irked him. I guess
Rest was OK. and He awarded me 50% keeping me out of waiting list also. I wonder how two innocent responses could make difference to whole of my life? For all these years of failure or unsuccessful attempts, I always questioned that among the destiny or hard work which one rules? Most of the answers were, "Hard Work can change your destiny". Some people says, Destiny is fixed. You can not change it but I question that. However, seeing this year result I have stopped believing in destiny, hard work, god, religion and many other things. There is only one truth randomness. You can reduce this randomness by working hard but random can hit you under the belt. And that too in most unexpected manner.
In a sense, I feel liberated as well from the shackles of many things. Few things I am listing:
1. Notion that things are pre-ordained to happen is myth.
2. Developed notion that God is just matter of faith and conviction. I visited Vaishno Devi. I was bewildered to see some people 14 km on mountain by walking on stomach and standing in queue 1 kilometer long. It is all faith.
Randomness is the ultimate truth of life. Thus most wonderful thing to do in life is to reduce randomness of life and bring certainty. Technology/ Science has that capacity to reduce randomness of life. It brings stability in human life. Swami Vivakanand said "Service of Human Kind is Service of God". Technology provides best instrument to achieve this goal. Teaching in technology can be much nobler. Anyway, defeats and failures have great corrective influence in life. Year after year, I used to sit down on my chair immediately after seeing "no match" result and used to list my mistakes and make a to-do and not-to-do things for next attempt. This time it was last attempt so felt a void or hole.
I am not sad and I am no more disappointed. Time heals everything. I feel liberated for the reason that I could not have done better. I can stand with my head high. I feel much stronger, much more relaxed and prepared to deal with randomness of the life. I feel more drawn to poetry as well. I feel much more disciplined after years of relentless preparation. And of all the things, I am definitely a better human being, more prepared than ever to embrace failures of life. The knowledge of political science and psychology and other topics of civil services preparation has enriched me heavily. For last 3 months I have lost touch with current affairs but now time has come to pick it up again and do some thing much more exciting, innovative, creative to make this world a better place to live for all of humanity.
Last 3 months were exhilarating. Many things happened. Civil Service Interview, Train journey to Bangalore, Psychology papers, Amritsar trip with friends to Bangalore, Vaishno Devi trip with parents, Sister's engagement, Entrepreneurial experience in Bangalore with friends, developing a product from scratch and working daily 13-14 hours to meet a deadline, rebuilding the confidence that I can make a dent in technology field as well, Civil Services result, and encouraging messages from my friends from Facebook. Especially message, wall posts from friends, and calls from well-wisher telling me what difference I have made to their lives was amazing. It felt really good. I remember 6-7 years back I was having dinner at a pot-luck party with my friends and some body asked me What will make me feel truly happy? I contemplated real hard and eventually answer came that If somebody come and tell me that I have made a difference in their life for better then I would be on cloud nine. The purpose of preparing for Civil Services exam was to reach to a platform where I can make a real difference to people's lives. It provides widest and amazing platform to serve common man. Though I could not achieve my dream but I feel great about my effort and encouraging messages I received from my friends on Facebook and phone. Probably first time in five years (except my sister's marriage) tears came in my eyes reading those messages.
I wonder how a split seconds mistake can change the direction of life. I always believed Interview was my forte. I had flawless mock interview sessions so a sense of feel-good factor was there. I scored 140 (highest score) out of 200 in the state level interview. Earlier I had scored 210/300 at national level. However, This time script had a Shakespearean climax. Interview on that fateful day was not up to the mark. My final score was 727 in written exam and 138/275 in Interview. By any stretch of imagination, The score could not have been worse. So score of 138 this time was indigestible. I contemplated hard on various mistakes I made in the interview. With the advantage of hindsight, I could spot couple of mistakes I made.
Mistake 1:
One of the board member asked me about problems which are plaguing state pollution control board. Somehow, very unnatural of me, I spitted that "Many of these boards have become retirement parks." The person sitting on the other side table was a retired IIT professor, parked in UPSC. And to add to my misfortune, He was the chairman of board who possess the sole discretion of awarding final marks. I could see his face color changing instantaneously. But damage had been done. So uncharacteristic of me, I thought.
Mistake 2:
One member asked me whether excessive criticism of Freud is justified or not. I replied saying, "Sir I can not comment whether the criticism was unjustified or not but his thoughts received lot of negative publicity due to excessive focus on sex and unconsciousness". And to add to my misfortune, The use of word sex was so explicit and I found myself looking into eyes of chair man while saying this. A RSS hardcore. Again it irked him. I guess
Rest was OK. and He awarded me 50% keeping me out of waiting list also. I wonder how two innocent responses could make difference to whole of my life? For all these years of failure or unsuccessful attempts, I always questioned that among the destiny or hard work which one rules? Most of the answers were, "Hard Work can change your destiny". Some people says, Destiny is fixed. You can not change it but I question that. However, seeing this year result I have stopped believing in destiny, hard work, god, religion and many other things. There is only one truth randomness. You can reduce this randomness by working hard but random can hit you under the belt. And that too in most unexpected manner.
In a sense, I feel liberated as well from the shackles of many things. Few things I am listing:
1. Notion that things are pre-ordained to happen is myth.
2. Developed notion that God is just matter of faith and conviction. I visited Vaishno Devi. I was bewildered to see some people 14 km on mountain by walking on stomach and standing in queue 1 kilometer long. It is all faith.
Randomness is the ultimate truth of life. Thus most wonderful thing to do in life is to reduce randomness of life and bring certainty. Technology/ Science has that capacity to reduce randomness of life. It brings stability in human life. Swami Vivakanand said "Service of Human Kind is Service of God". Technology provides best instrument to achieve this goal. Teaching in technology can be much nobler. Anyway, defeats and failures have great corrective influence in life. Year after year, I used to sit down on my chair immediately after seeing "no match" result and used to list my mistakes and make a to-do and not-to-do things for next attempt. This time it was last attempt so felt a void or hole.
I am not sad and I am no more disappointed. Time heals everything. I feel liberated for the reason that I could not have done better. I can stand with my head high. I feel much stronger, much more relaxed and prepared to deal with randomness of the life. I feel more drawn to poetry as well. I feel much more disciplined after years of relentless preparation. And of all the things, I am definitely a better human being, more prepared than ever to embrace failures of life. The knowledge of political science and psychology and other topics of civil services preparation has enriched me heavily. For last 3 months I have lost touch with current affairs but now time has come to pick it up again and do some thing much more exciting, innovative, creative to make this world a better place to live for all of humanity.
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