Deja Vu

It's a lovely morning, drizzling, cool and cloudy weather. Yesterday was UPSC preliminary examination. It was culmination point of weeks of prelims oriented preparation. The 48 hours period before, during and after the UPSC examination is an emotional journey which takes one to the totally unthinkable trajectory. 

The day before the exam is filled with uncertainty, anxiety, and fear. Somewhere it is interlaced with confidence and inner belief in success. Anxiety drives you to sleeplessness. People find it difficult to sleep on the night before. Despite months and years of preparation, no one can be sure about what kind of paper UPSC might set. 

The day of examination is generally dealt in preparing ourselves to deal with unpredictability which UPSC will throw predictably. As each second passes in the examination hall, one may wonder why did he leave one topic and chose other and how he could have done something more for the examination? But all of this comes with an advantage of hindsight. During the preparation, aspirants have so much to read and study that it is very difficult to pick and choose one thing over the others. And add UPSC's unpredictability to this entire scheme and it gets very difficult. 

As the exam gets over, everyone heads home. Some go to a friend's place or find avenues for releasing tension. Answer sheets flood the market. None of them is perfect but people use them for tallying their score. This is when another strange emotion occurs. For me, this year was a strange experience. Some sort of fear had gripped me and I was very reluctant in checking my total. Given this year was the last attempt so a negative result would have set the tone for the rest of the life. Checking the total was akin to a person uncovering a face of a covered dead body praying to the god internally that it does not turn out to be a known person. 

Overall, UPSC preparation is like living the life on the edge, in the realm of uncertainty and emotional turmoil. It is a very difficult journey and it requires a very strong balance of mind.  For that matter, it is a similar experience with any other dream in life. An experience worth experiencing and enjoying.